WASHINGTON (Spoof News) – In an announcement apparently timed for America’s birthday, July 4 confirmed that it is seeking restitution from January 6 for damages associated with the violent insurrection at the U.S. Capitol that day.
The case has been filed in the court of public opinion and is working its way through the body politic. It is the first time the U.S. holiday, celebrated officially as Independence Day, has sought such relief for its reputation—or needed to. Charges include attempted identify theft, fraudulent impersonation, defamation, and willful ignorance of Constitutional law.
“Claims by January 6 perpetrators that they launched a second American Revolution, and this will be their founding date, besmirch the goodwill that July 4 has built up over 245 years,” said a spokesperson close to the holiday. “July 4 marks the peaceful ratification of enlightenment ideals—equality, liberty and representative government—and a rejection of strongman rule from afar under the guise of a crown.
“January 6 is opposite in almost every way. It was a violent attempt to stop the peaceful transfer of power enshrined in our Constitution and prop up an egomaniac who could not admit electoral defeat.”
Six months after the January 6 attack, officials who supported it continue to dissemble and block investigations. Their obstruction and the babel of narratives they offer about the incident seem calculated to prevent any official version from ever taking hold. Critics say the strategy is designed to give them cover and cause the public to shrug and give up.
January 6 has become a hydra. Like the dozens of court challenges after the election, for each false characterization debunked and dismissed, two new ones arise.
Rep. Andrew Clyde, R-Ga., said TV footage of the Capitol looked like “a normal tourist visit.” Then, TV footage showed Clyde helping to barricade his chamber’s doors against those tourists.
Senator Ron Johnson, R-Wisc., has said the riot, “wasn’t an armed insurrection,” and he “never felt threatened.” But he admitted he would have felt afraid if the rioters were Black. Anyway, if something bad did happen, it was the work of antifa. Or Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif.
FOX News opinionator Tucker Carlson told millions of viewers that “FBI operatives were organizing the attack.” Such a false-flag operation would be the most chilling abuse of federal law enforcement in the nation’s history. But Carlson’s news-side FOX colleagues do not appear to be investigating his claims.
Freshman firebrand Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Ga., says, “The people that breached the Capitol on Jan. 6 are being abused.” She leads a chorus complaining about their continued detention. But in the first live-streamed insurrection, judges have the defendants’ own words and photos as evidence of ongoing threats.
Russian dictator Vladimir Putin uses the insurrection and these fun-house, inverted views of the roles that rioters and police played at the Capitol to deflect criticism of his brutal suppression and imprisonment (and alleged killing) of political opponents.
Supporters of July 4 cite Putin’s remarks as prima facie evidence of the damage the insurrection has caused abroad. January 6 has given our adversaries ammunition to throw back in our faces and given our allies cause to question our reliability.
How the case will be resolved is unclear. For its part, the plaintiff has adopted the posture of an incumbent running on a popular record.
“July 4 remains confident that the vast majority of American’s want their holiday imagery to feature barbecue smoke on the patio and fireworks in the air,” the spokesperson said. “All January 6 can conjure are memories of tear gas smoke in the air and fireworks on the Capitol steps.”